DON’S KEBABBLE N’ HOG BLOG

Listen to ‘BROADCASTING HOUSE’ SUNDAY 25th March on BBC Radio 4 9am – 10am To hear THE CLEVS sing a selection of George Osborne’s COMEBACK COUNTRY hits

DON’S BLOG (no.5)

‘Ere, are Phil has been very subdued this week since he heard of the death of Nosey what used to be in that 60’s pop group Dee Dave, Nosey, Irky, Itch and Mash. He loved all their records like Zannerdoo and..er, Zannerdoo. Same as he said, him and his sister used to do all their courtin’ to they songs.

Bruvver Phil has thrown himself into our new venture ‘World of Mud’. Luckily, the fire brigade turned up purty sharpish and were able to pull him out of the Toddlers Monster Bog Experience before he got sucked under. I put it down to pressure of work cos running a theme park is almost like having a FULL TIME JOB. We has lots of innininvi…invinitini….new ideas for ‘WOM’. We are employing two old mud masons, the Thudge brothers, Peter and Paul, who are going to carve us, from Mendip mud, a lifesize replica of the Shepton Mallet Poundland shop; we’re introducing a gift range including souvenir jars of mud plus car stickers saying, ‘We’ve Been Stuck @ World of Mud’ and we will be opening a crush facility where little kiddies can be taken.

Young Bradley’s sister and my grandaughter, Kia-Ora dropped a bombshell the other night. Now er is 18 er wants to go to college and get exams so she can JOIN THE POLICE! I told er that would bring shame on the Cleverly family and that there were plenty of good jobs to be had in Radstock especially for a girl with er talents. I said er could get a job just like that down at Septic Sid’s tattoo parlour. I reminded her of the skull and crossed crowbars she did on top of Baz Benders bald head. FARNTARTSTIC! And all done completely in biro.

Last Saturday at the Radco Social it was the monthly Country & Western night. The guest was Norton’s very own ‘Mr. Nashville’ Wexley Tarbrush. I compered the evening and ended up having a couple of arguments with Wex. First of all he wanted the jukebox OFF while he performed but I told him no cos we was playing all the old Dee Dee, Dozy, Barky, Mike and Stitch hits in honour of dead Dozy. He then had the nerve to ask if the PA be turned on while he sang. I told him, I said,”have you seen our ‘leccy bill?” I said, “ its only cos our Trevorly knows how to re-route supplies from the sub-station next door, we can keep the lights on!” Anyway, when he did play he was rubbish, especially his ‘Tribute to Jim Reeves’. Same as are Phil said, “he’ll have to go”.

WHAT’S THE TOP NOSH ON D’BURGER VAN THIS WEEK DON? – It’s the whopper with the ballblast topper; Don’s Hot Blog Hot Dog. Two 9” frankfurts plus chilli mayo, mustard, pepper ketchup and 10 processed cheddar squares!! Only £2 to anyone who can quote a line from my blog. I want to know if anyone reads it cos are Phil makes I write it. He says he cain’t do it cos ers illegitimate.

Yours in grease, Don Cleverly

Are Phil by the Fat In A Bap Van with the new advert bored.

Sound clip (above) of are Phil playing ‘Songs From The Shows’ on the washboards, while at the same time pretending to be a Cockney for Radco’s Chas & Clevs night.

DON’S BLOG (no.4)

Are Tammi had a visit from the police and the headmistress of Larkbrook Primary, are Bradley’s school. They held a ‘Bring and Buy’ sale last week to raise funds. Usually its toys and books and stuff but seems young Brad was flogging widescreen tellys (still in the box) ans some brand new microwaves what was factory sealed. Bradley did us Clevs proud by not divulging the name of his supplier saying they fell off the back of a skateboard. Later he told us it was some of his uncle Trevorly’s surplus stock.

Phil, who was working 4 hours a week at Kwirk-E-Fit novelty car exhaust place, has had to give up his job following a re-accurance of ill feeling. Poor Phil has been dogged by feeling ill for years now and he’s had to give up more jobs than he has fingers and toes (28).

Last Saturday I had my first booking of the year for the burger van. Baz Benders niece, Melanie-Saffron got married down the council and Baz was going to book the Radco Social for the reception but they wanted £100! HOW MUCH? That did include a buffet for fifty but even so. In the end he decided on the burger van for £60 in the council office car park. I put up a gazebo and did some specials; Don’s Nuggets de Nuptuals; All Day Breakfast (with icing); and Steamy Saveloy Sensation Salsaburger. Cors, it poured with rain, the gazebo blew down and later half the guests got food poisoning including Nogger Watts the bridegroom. Evidently, it ruined their honeymoon at Hinckley Point. Baz is refusing to pay me cos of the food poisoning but I told him; “you cain’t blame I, if anyone gets food poisoning from my burgers it takes two or three days before they is ill, not the same night.”

Floyd Cleverly, our cousin?/uncle?/step-mother? Owner of Radstock’s premier nightclub, ‘Depressions’ called me and Phil round to ask if we’d like to take over his ‘World of Mud’ theme park. Seems he’s come unstuck with it. “You’re d’boys” he told us. “We’re d’boys” I told him. “We’re d’boys” are Phil said cos he’s not that bright and repeats everything I say. I reckon there’s a lot of mileage in mud.

Trevorly phoned to say someone broke into his lock-up the other week and stole some tellys and microwaves. I told him it wasn’t me, cos on the night it happened I was looking after Bradley while Tammi and her bloke Zit went to darts. I said Bradley will vouch for me being there all night although he popped out for a couple of hours to play with a sack truck and balaclava.

Yours in Grease, Don Cleverly

Don, Phil & Trevorly Cleverly tour (busk) France!

DON’S BLOG (no.3)

PHEW! Bruvver Phil has been found work by the Job Centre! He was supposed to start work at Kwirk-E-Fit, the novelty car exhaust company down in Norton. Luckily, he was able to cry-off sick because he got carbon monoxide poisoning siphoning off petrol in Asdal car park He has to go careful because the Benefits will be keeping an eye on him. He puts his arm in a sling when he goes down the Radco Social every evening. I told him; “ Ere are Phil, you don’t have your arm in a sling when you’ve been poisoned, you put a bandage round yer head you wazzuk!”

Are Trevorly had an accident last week. He drove into the back of a police car on the M4 while he was driving granny Clevertina’s mobility scooter. Trev managed to run off across the fields and for some reason he was dressed in granny’s clothes with her paisley scarf over the top of his cycle helmet so he wasn’t recognised. Bad news is they arrested granny and charged her. Poor gran is 94 and not all that compost-memphis. Phil says we should go on Twitface and start a ‘Free the Radstock One’ campaign.

Talking of are Trevorly, I at last managed to get out with the metal detector are bruv Phil gave I for Christmas. I did a trial run in Trevorly’s back garden because he’s got a girt big lawn. I hit the jackpot straight away. We thought it might be a Saxon hoard or Roman coins worth millions but when we dug a hole we discovered it was the cash register from Dando’s the chemists what was done over last year. It still had the cash in the drawer. Trevorly says he’s forgotten how he doesn’t know how it got there.

Lots of my Fat-In-A-Bap burger van reg’lars is worried I’m going up market. Thing is, a mate of mine works for a seafood supplier and let me have some out-of-date stock, so my special this week were Don’s Trawler Trash Chilli n’ Custard Hash. I got some pollick, Huzlit, squid and octipiss. Are smart-ass bruv Phil says when octipiss is on a menu it has a fancy name which is Kalahari. But my missis who watches Pointless says that is a desert in New Zealand. Seeing all that seafood on my van someone down the club said I ought to re-name my van ‘Butch Cleverly and the Sundried Squid’.

Yours in grease, Don Cleverly

Don & Phil explain the delights of the FAT IN A BAP BURGER VAN to the audience at Sidmouth Festival

DON’S BLOG (no.2)

There has been a lot of police activity up on the Twelvetow estate recently. Luckily bruv Phil got wind of it and we were able to get the stuff out of his garage and put in a safe hiding place – the old sofa we dumped a year ago in a ditch up at Leigh – where nobody will look for it.

To be fair, the coppers have been about because our grandkiddy, Bradley went missing on a visit to World of Mud. They found his ‘Zombie Mutilator’ baseball cap floating on top of the ornamental swamp and feared the worst. So did we. We have all been worried in case they found him!

As it was he turned up a few days later at Phil’s next door neighbour, Baz Bender. Are Brad met Baz and his kids Shareena, Kyleeta and Leggo at World of Mud and persuaded them he had been left behind so they took him home. He spent three days eating chicken nuggets and watching the entire box set of Killer Driller Dentists (Series 1-6) on VDV.

Phil said I should’ve kept an eye on HIS grandson. I said; “ He’s MY grandson Phil and your nephew”. Phil insisted he had to be HIS grandson because he is Trevorly Cleverly’s cousin. We asked my missis who is my brother Phils sister but she didn’t have a clue either.

Bruv Phil and me is off to the FARNTARSTIC Milverton Acoustic Club this week to give them some good old Radstock n’ Roll. Trevorly asked if he could come along for the ride so are Phil cleaned out the back of his Mondeo where his pitbull ‘Chomper’ had been sick. Anyway, I told are Trev that there were some very tasty properties in Milverton and that most of their occupants would be down the hall watching the Clevs. For some reason he then decided to drive himself down in his old transit van and said while we was playing he would do some sightseeing. I said “ but it’ll be pitch black are Trev”. “All the better” he said.

Mendip Council is on some healthy eating kick at the moment and they turned up at my burger van Saturday morning. The woman asked if I had an option for vegetarians. I said, “Course I do. Buy a burger or naff off!”. She said I would need to change my attitude if I wanted to keep my licence. (What licence?). I let her try this weeks special; Don’s Chilli Salami Tsunamiburger with garlic in batter and salsa peppercorns. She said it was disgusting and unhealthy. I told her straight I said, “ I’ll tell you what missis, if I had a fiver for every time someone has said to me, Don that’s the best burger I have ever tasted I would have….£4.50”

Yours in grease, Don Cleverly

DON’S BLOG (no.1)

FARNTARSTIC! They was saying down the Radco Social Club last week that if I advertised my burger van on the old Intiminet I could reach 500,000,000 potential customers. Blimey what a queue! Out to Norton and beyond Peasedown.I couldn’t get the fries and what they forget is I’m only there Saturday mornings.

Anyway, I’ve started this blog because I don’t know what twitface is. Every blog I shall tell you what the ‘special’ is on my Fat-in-a-Bap burger van that coming Saturday. I will call this feature ‘What’s Special on Don’s Fat-In-A-Bap Burger Van This Saturday’ (my bruv Phil thought of that title, he’s good like that.)

This Saturday get down to Radstock high street sharpish because my special is deep fried penguin testicles. You jesticles Don? Nope. And free curry sauce topping too!

My missis Heaverly is taking the grandkiddies ( or are they cuzzins?) Bradley and Trixie-Quiche to the new theme park over near the Cumberbatch Services, World of Mud. FARNTARSTIC! They’ve got castles, steam trains, daleks, dragons all made out of mud, plus a swamp for the kids to paddle in. I went over last week and found at least three holes in the perimeter fence, so they won’t need to pay.

We’ve had some brass-monkey weather up here on the Mendips recently. I went round to are bruv Phils council house the other day and his central heating was banging and knocking something terrible. I said, “yer are Phil whyse yer centrail heatin’ bangin’ an’ knockin’?” He said it wasn’t the central heating it was the Benefit Claim Inspectors he’d bricked up in his spare third bedroom trying to get out.

By the way, Trevorly Cleverly was in court in Frome last week. He got given a CSO or as he called it (he’s got a brilliant wit) a Community Service Order.
Yours in grease, Don Cleverly

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